Life: a bit of a trip without a great ending.

Ξ June 30th, 2008 | → | ∇ Randomry |

First off, something to listen to: Andrew Bird - MX Missiles

I’ve decided I’m in the mood to write something in me blog. I want to talk about things that have happened to me recently and others that perhaps I need not share, but want to anyway.

So, I’m still unemployed, but things are looking up for me. I have a job interview this week for a company. It seems like a really interesting software engineer position and I’m sure I will enjoy the job if I were offered it. Hopefully things will go well so I can move out of my parents house and move on with my life after a year of prolonged boredom.

With things aside, I’ve really been pondering about what things really mean to me in life. What is special, what moments, people, places, things stick out over everything that happens in everyday life. I’m starting to realize that there aren’t really too many occasions that I can think of. The day I graduated from college, the day I got my driving license, the day before my grandmother died, and the day I was baptized. I guess the real issue here is that I am still technically young and have years ahead of me (hopefully) to experience new things.

On that note, I’d like to discuss a bit about the idea of love. Personally I cannot say I have loved anyone in my life outside my family. Granted I am talking about genuine love. Something one experiences when they feel they want to spend the rest of their lives and can not live another day without another person. Much to be confused with obsession, but if the feeling is mutual I’d have to say that love does exist. I’ve met several people in my life, I can’t say that I’ve met very many women, but for those I have had the pleasure of meeting, I would say I’ve had quite an experience. First of all let me say that I am not tying love into this, nor obsession, simply an observation of the people I’ve met and how I felt about them.

My first kiss, 1st grade of elementary school. Samantha. She took me aside one day and expressed to me that she liked me very much. I fell victim to this charm. I let her borrow my little league baseball pins that I had won over the years. I had brought them for show and tell and left them in my desk after showing her that they were there. We spoke a few words to each other, and after were a bit estranged after she denied everything. Years later I met her again at a baseball game and she didn’t want to talk to me. Good game.

About the same time as my last fling, I fortunate to meet the daughter of my first grade teacher. Our parents made friends with each other and we went to their pool one hot summer day. First of all, I used to be a big swimmer. I took classes and if I were a competitive person, I would have gone into swimming as a sport. With that aside, the day we were at the pool, she had some trouble swimming and swallowed a bit of water down the wrong pipe. In her struggle she went down in the water a few feet. I quickly helped her up and out of the water. From that point on she had an extreme crush on me (and I was 7 yrs old…) Nothing really happened, since we were young, but that memory is infused in my brain for some reason.

Middle school, 7th grade. I had made friends with a girl in class during 5th grade, then she had moved away for two years, then returned. We had been really good friends and she and I even thought about dating, but me being my idiodic self turned away from this idea. She felt hurt, and never really wanted to talk to me after that. Another good game in my book.

Not much happened until high school, junior year. I met Jenna. We were really good friends, I am sad every time I think about her because I think we would have been really compatible. She and I went to see the first two lord of the rings together and we had a really good time. Other than that nothing happened between us. I asked her one time if she wanted to go out together or become bf / gf. And she said she wasn’t interested in a relationship. After that point I sort of gave up. I’m not sure if it was the way I asked, but in the end nothing really happened. I hope sometime we can meet again. I’m sure she still lives in the area.

College, freshman year. Holly and I were buddies since we had enrolled in college. We IMed each other all the time and I came to her dorm to hang out, or to go to a movie and such. She really wanted more from our relationship, but I held back because I was stupid and confused. I saw her more as a friend than a girlfriend, I suppose she saw the opposite. The next year she dropped out of school, I never knew the real reason, but I couldn’t help but have the idea in my head that it might have been partially because of me.

College, junior year. Dani was kind of a…. yeah. She and I had met over an online forum. I talked to her on IM. She was a freshman, I was 21. I asked her if she wanted to come to my place and watch a movie, and she strangely enough did come over. Very trusting girl. A few weeks later I got a call from her wondering if I could come pick her up and get some alcohol. She had a friend with her, I was bored. Jared and I went to get her and her friend and we went back to our place to drink and be merry. I took it a little hard that night and ended up chugging half a bottle of 120 proof vodka in one go, after having about 6 shots. She and I went to my room, messed around a bit. From what I remember after that, she became nervous, ran outside of my room buck naked, flashing her privates to both of my roomates and going into the bathroom, perhaps to vomit. After this I couldn’t help but be consumed with hysteria. She was really nervous, then fine about things later. Wanted to go back to her dorm so my roomate Brian drove her and her friend home. After the fact I asked her to visit me again and we talked a bit in person about what happened that night. Apparently she and her friend messed around after they had gotten back to the dorm. He was really nervous about things and made her go to get checked if she was pregnant. Freaked the poor kid out since they didn’t use a condom. To extenuate the off the wall…. no, wait, I’ll just end the story there. If you want to hear the rest of the story, ask me in person some day.

There was another girl that I would like to talk about here, but will refrain from doing because I know she actually reads my site and might get pissed off at me ) She is a wonderful person and I wish her the best.

Now on the side of not crazy things happening are things that I wish could have become. My old roomate’s girlfriend is a person I really admire. If I could have gone back in time I wish that I could have gotten to know her better before the two of them got married. Perhaps it was something that was meant to be? Or not? Eventually I’ll know, but for now I’ll just file this person in my life as something that never happened. Every time I saw my roomate and her together I was overcome with jealousy. It is part of the reason I became a hermit and never went outside my immediate room where I lived. I couldn’t stand the thought of them together, so I decided to concentrate on school instead, just to get my mind off of things. I’ve never actually said how I felt about this person. Lucky you, readers.

But anyway, what does this all mean? Do my stories mean anything? I guess the question is have I learned anything by them. I would say I have. I am no longer weak to the idea of succumbing to desire. At this stage in my life I don’t go out any. I don’t really want to meet anyone for fear of getting hurt. If I keep this up I’m not sure how I will meet anyone and perhaps lead the life I yearn for. This is just a few of my thoughts these days. My parents are generally happy, but they have nothing in common with each other. Time and time again I hear from my mom that their marraige was that of convenience. They felt compatable and decided to get married for the sake of being married. That isn’t what I want. I want to meet a woman who I am head over heals for. The ideal romance story. I know this stems from the fact that I have watched too many hollywood movies in my lifetime, but I don’t care. I know it can happen, but I need to come up with a way to make it happen.

Another random turn of events is the idea of religion. In high school and prior, I had a christian belief. I was a member of a protestant church and went whenever I could. I was baptized when i was sixteen. It was a really exciting day for me. Then I went to college and have not attended church since. Perhaps it was because I was never around people who believed in religion and even around some who outright gave their opinion against religion. It might also be because I gained knowledge of this world and how things seem to not “click” with the christian faith. I guess what I mean is that since I am an engineer and a scientist I feel that I need proof of an existance of God. For now I am content on saying that I believe in God, I believe that there was a Jesus Christ, but the stories of the bible I cannot confirm or deny. Troubles and problems faced in modern society cannot be governed from that of the bible. Should we cast homosexuals as going to hell? Is premarital sex a sin? Personally no on both counts. Homosexuality is just what someone is! It is not a sin, it is the inherent “preference” that a person has. They cannot change who they are, so all these naysayers should stfu. As for premarital sex, too much is hyped up about sex. It is just two people fucking each other. Big fucking deal. Sex is a great thing, why the hell is it so important to say that it is a sin if you do it before marraige? These are just two things I disagree on with the bible and those who are strict to it’s teachings. Another thing is the beginning of life on earth. I’m going to have to say I believe in evolution. There is such a thing as evolving, and my belief is that there is possibly a grander force governing things or some divine entity who set things in motion. If that is what some call God, then I would have to say that I believe in God. Simple as that.

Letsee what other topic can I hit on. Piracy! Is piracy a crime? no it fucking isn’t. I have a great youtube video I linked a few weeks back I think. if not I will edit this post to show it. I think what the MPAA / RIAA and the government is doing is retarted. Wiretapping? Packet sniffing? The internet was set in motion decades ago. If you can put a law on the value of 1s and 0s in a stream of code, then you are retarted, sir. The only role government and law should have in the internet is the protection of the rights of it’s users. i.e. identity protection and fraud protection. I don’t see what the big deal is with “pirating” a movie or tv show. Alright, roleplay time. I, johnny B, decides he wants to see a movie, but doesn’t feel like going and spending 10 dollars at the local theater. He feels “hey, I guess I could download it.” Alright. So stop right there. He ISN’T going to spend any money for the movie on the first place. He is not going to go out and rent or buy a dvd, he is simply wanting to see something, and not going to spend the money on it at that point in time. K, so johnny B goes and downloads the movie, then watches it. He really really liked it. Decides he wants to see it in the theatres. So he goes out, buys a ticket and gives some money to the big ol’ movie corporations. There, artists are compensated for the film. Now if he hadn’t downloaded the film, would he have gone to go see it? Probably not. I don’t understand why the music and movie companies say they are shortchanged because of piracy. It is a fucking retarted argument. I see it as promoting media, not stifling it. Wake up world, these people are full of shit.

Well its almost 1am now and I feel like doing something different, so I’ll end this post here. I want to talk more on topics in this fashion. Actually “blogging” Go figure.

Original post by moch


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