Another turn around the bend…

Ξ November 24th, 2010 | → | ∇ Moo |

So here we are again. Same situation a year later. Hell, possibly a decade later where we see the same tale of Ryan repeat itself. Self deprecating lifestyle of solitude. Living alone partly by choice and partly because he is afraid of failure. That’s the honest truth of it all, you know.

In growing up I’ve always gotten the overwhelming sense of guilt not to fail. The type of guilt that I’ll feel that it is my fault if I take a huge chance by laying it all on the line and then in some catastrophic event I’ll lose it all. In some places I’ve learned to let slide through not being the best throughout school because I didn’t see the point in it. I take a situation and think “what does it take to succeed?” and more often than not I find that just getting by is the key to succeeding.

One awful shortcoming I’ve found is that I don’t have any companionship and I don’t know where to begin in solving that. I suppose that the main solution would be to just stop the charade of being a fatty and finding solace in masturbation and eating and drinking alcohol. That really isn’ the solution to life’s problems. No matter how much I try and make it work it isn’t enough.

I look at my friend’s fucked up situation and all the drama he went through. You know what? I think it takes drama to make things work. I can just sit beside in the bleachers saying “Oh they’re going to fail! Give it another year or two and blammo!” Fuck that. You know what? Shit happening is what keeps you together. It means you have history. It means you have purpose.

I want purpose.

At the moment I an engineer on a team of individuals that support a software product. One software product that I honestly feel is pretty damn simple and I could make something similar and market It for myself. Now that’s not legal since I’m legally bound to not compete with my company. I’m not saying I’m about to go out there but what I am saying is that I COULD do it. Why with my technical and software expertise could I not end up designing the next best thing? Sure it takes time and money, but the truth of it really is that It just takes time. The money part works it’s way out eventually. Saying that “Oh there is too much competition out there” is another bullshit excuse. The leaders of tech did not get there by chance. They did it through hard work and determination.

So here is my list of things I want to do that I’ve outlined here…

  • Realize that failure is okay. It is only failure if you don’t pick yourself back up and start over. I did this with my old job. I thought losing my job at Tek was a failure on my part and that it was a failure not to have them hire me back. That’s not a fucking failure. That was there loss and their choice solely. I had a great experience in my job thereafter. Met some great people, got to have tons of laughs, several good times and bad, and generally just enjoy life for what it was. Sure I had hard times throughout this also, but I worked through them and feel better for experiencing this.
  • Your life will repeat itself and that is fine. Just keep trotting through the worst of it and you’ll find a better tomorrow.
  • Work on finding someone to love. Each day try and meet somebody new, even if it is difficult, just know that you’ll feel better because of it.
  • You can succeed. Work on goals and seeing through to them. Follow through with your plan to develop software. It doesn’t need to be a fulltime thing, even if you are just an hour out of your day looking up a programming language, or fiddling with some scripts – it’s still more than you’re doing now.
  • Become fit and learn to love yourself for who you are. Diet more, eat better foods. Your body is the only one you’ll have. Take care of it and don’t let food be the stressor in your life, but enjoy it and exercise daily. Even if just 15 minutes to start for the first few months – ITS MORE THAN YOU ARE DOING NOW AND EVERY LITTLE BIT COUNTS.

Original post by mooch


Leave a reply

  • Rumours and Lies